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Franco-American gray matter(s)

16 Jun

Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Mignon, a very reserved and refined French gentleman in his early 70’s, who lives across from us. He is as quiet as a church mouse and most of the time, I don’t even know if he’s home. I do know that he enjoys his weekly Saturday morning visits to the boulangerie (bakery) between 8-10AM, to have a fresh pastry and read the paper in the same place each week without fail. He always sits with his back to the window in the next to last row of seats, I assume, to have full purview of all those coming in, without being up against the window. When passing by, I always look for the back of his head, as I recognize it as well as his face, and it makes me smile. Most Saturdays, I pass by without making my presence known, but just observe that he is there, enjoying his routine, undisturbed. And on other days, I walk around, just to by chance find his glance, give a simple wave and continue on my way. In retrospect, I ask myself, would I have done this before living in France? Somehow, I don’t think so.

Image courtesy of Google

Being a Southerner, we are taught from a tender age, to always acknowledge those you know and engage them in conversation to make them feel comfortable. This Southern mindset is all well and good (southernese for well-intended), but sometimes, don’t you just want to be left alone? Left to your thoughts–undisturbed, without having to explain why you are there, what you are thinking or finding something relevant to say, without being intrusive? This was always the internal debate that replayed itself whenever I ran into someone I knew. Be polite, make them feel at ease, as I was taught. I became trapped in a cultural box of congeniality. It’s not that I don’t want to be nice, quite the contrary, but at what point did it become obligatory for me? This had been a grey area for me: how to be myself (nice), but not at the expense of myself? Luckily, la France came to my rescue!

Part of my brain is still and I’m sure always will be, uniquely Southern. But the other side is becoming more  Franco-phillic to the  French mindset: not bound by rules, allowing people their privacy and without the social expectancy of minding your P’s and Q’s to the Nth degree (sorry, thought it would be fun to use as many letters as I could there.). This is not to say that the French are rude, far from it in fact, in my experience. I would even go as far to say that they are genuinely nicer than most Americans I’ve met. The candy coating is not there, but the feelings are–kind, considerate yet respectfully private. Particularly Americans from the south have this candy coating, because it has been ingrained in us. Please understand, my intention is not to say that Southerners are fake, it just means that we are programmed to respond respectfully, even before the respect may be earned, which to some can sound disingenuous, without understanding our culture.

For example, we say “yes/no, ma’am and yes/no, sir” to everyone, not just our parents as a sign of respect, not servitude. As mentioned, we are also taught to engage people and make them feel at ease. This is a wonderful thing and has been a key reason to my love for people and successful integration into the French culture. I made others feel comfortable even when I wasn’t. The difference is, I now understand balance when I didn’t before. Now, I realize that not every occasion warrants an hour discussion (are you listening mother?). Sometimes a head nod, smile or simple wave can let someone know you care and wish them a good day.

This may sound strange, but the French don’t expect you to put them first, but when you do, they are incredibly appreciative. Using dear Mr. Mignon as an example: when we had snow, I would shovel our community stairs and everyone’s ‘stoop’ (as my grandmother, Mimi, would call it) and thought my good deed had gone unnoticed. Not that I was looking for applause or even a “merci”, again, it was just how I was raised, to be ‘neighborly’ as it’s called. I never knew it, but Mr. Mignon must have seen me without my knowledge. Just like me, he left me to my thoughts, just as I did with him at the boulangerie. We finally did meet face-to-face at the boulangerie and he made the effort to thank me for all I did and tried to pay me for shoveling the snow (naturally, I didn’t take it). That’s what I mean when I say that the expectation is not there, but the heartfelt thanks is evident. I was already shoveling for myself, so it was easy just to spend ten more minutes to help everybody and consequently, it keeps the snow from being blown or tracked back on my stoop, simple logic really. But in the French mindset, it was evidently an act worthy of payment, because that is not the expectation.

The expectation in the US is just the opposite, people EXPECT you to be kind and when you aren’t, they get angry. There are those of us (I was one) in the US that may have been slightly upset if we were not thanked at the time or if someone didn’t bother to shovel our snow as well, because it would have only taken a few extra minutes. When this standard is set so high, how can anyone measure up all the time? I often didn’t live up to my standard many times, but it didn’t stop me from holding that measuring stick up to everyone else. When you expect too much, you are bound to be disappointed. I didn’t realize that my ‘standard’ had morphed into something not originally intended from my upbringing. One cannot impose these congenial standards at the expense of one’s self. You only end up getting hurt by expecting too much and the truth be told, it really is a selfish way to live, when you begin peeling back the onion of the unconscious mind.

All this being said, I prefer the French way. My dad has an expression, “don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed.” Which although true, has a bit of a negative spin. I think the French put a positive spin on my dad’s philosophy and would probably go something like this…”don’t expect anything, but appreciate it when it happens.”

 
4 Comments

Posted by on June 16, 2011 in Daily life in France

 

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4 responses to “Franco-American gray matter(s)

  1. Michi

    June 17, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    What a great post. And I love the positive twist: ”Don’t expect anything, but appreciate it when it happens.”

    When it comes to politeness, I also struggle sometimes. I was taught to ALWAYS say “please, thank you and you’re welcome” but here in Andalucía they see it as a sign of “weakness,” and totally unnecessary. It’s just yes and no. But I just can’t conform to that one! I’ll continue to say my pleases and thank yous because I very honestly feel badly if I don’t.

    I can relate with the sugar-coating. Here I’ve found that people are more direct, and it can be quite refreshing.

     
    • expatriotgames

      June 18, 2011 at 10:38 am

      Wow, seen as weakness? That might be going too far, you think? I would love to be a fly on the wall to see how people respond to you…I bet they are shocked and probably brings a smile most times. Yes, ‘please and thank you’ will never leave my vocabulary either for the same reason. I do like the direct-ness, which is why the French way is so appealing. As always, thank you for sharing your unique perspective and for reading!

       
  2. Ann "Cricket" Thomas

    June 20, 2011 at 3:06 am

    You hit the nail on the head with this post! The French are sooo misunderstood. They aren’t rude, but they are the most sincere people when they acknowledge you. The smiles, hugs, kisses, and welcomes are real and very sincere. My 80 year old pepere, says that he “doesn’t like you until he really, LIKES you”. But that was how he was raised in Normandy. Don’t ever lose that Southern Belle that is in your soul, even in France, they may not say it but they sure do appreciate it!

    P.S. Thank you for posting that DELICIOUS beans and bbq recipe. Merci, Sugar!

     
    • expatriotgames

      June 20, 2011 at 8:42 am

      Hey Cricket! Thanks so much for your perspective. You are an expert on BOTH sides of the water, so knowing that you see the same truth makes me all the more grateful for your input. And you are most welcome for the beans…it took me about a year to refine it to be ‘do-able’ across the pond and was a labor of love! Please enjoy and thanks for reading; you rock sister!

       

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